Cloudy Dusk
| 2020, Chapter 1
Most people said as humans, we have to be grateful for everything we had. In our everyday life, people always say “Thanks.”, “Thank you.”, “Thank God.”, “I am very grateful for …”, “I really appreciate …”, and so on depends on what thing we are intended to be thankful or grateful for. We usually called those expressions as gratitude: the feeling of being grateful and wanting to express your thanks.
Besides, we already know that every religion teaches us so. As humans who have beliefs or religions, we are obligated to be grateful, thankful, and enjoy every single thing God gave.
Ackerman, in his article, entitled What is Gratitude and Why Is It So Important? stated that gratitude is not just an action: it is also a positive emotion that serves a biological purpose. Positive psychology defines gratitude in a way where scientists can measure its effects, and thus argue that gratitude is more than feeling thankful: it is a deeper appreciation for someone (or something) that produces longer lasting positivity.
In my personal opinion, gratitude itself is an important thing that cannot be separated from my life. Every time I express my gratitude, I feel fulfilled, relieved. Also, it is kind of boosting my happiness if I express it to people (from what they did to me or right after they help me). Usually, when I express my gratitude to a person or people, they are happy to receive those words and likely to give a positive response from what I expressed. And yeah, I could be even happier from that. The more I express my gratitude, the more I happy and think positively to live my life.
Throughout my life, I think there are no reasons why cannot I be grateful, like, Hello? Please wake up and be grateful, God already gave you everything you need!
January-February 2020.
No reasons. No reasons to not be grateful. I can inhale and exhale my breath easily, I can walk, I can speak, I can eat and enjoy delicious meals, I can learn, I can make friends, I have so many opportunities to improve my skill and my hobbies, I already had the opportunity to enter good schools and enter a good college too. Even right after I finished my final paper exam (thesis defense), I got offered a job by my friend all of the sudden. At that time, honestly, I was so confused yet so grateful. I feel like suddenly time flies too fast.
That was the truth. Deep down from my deepest heart, from all of my entire college life, time would never really feel flies that fast.
As a literally fresh graduated student (in which I just finished my final paper and I haven’t registered for graduation yet), I was curious at that time.
How is the world of work would be?
My mind was full of that kind of thoughts alongside my thoughts about my final paper which has to be revised as soon as possible in order to apply for graduation due to the registration deadline was nearly coming right away.
The thoughts of how the world of work would be and how would I be a part of that world was consuming my mind.
I finished my revision in less than a week. It was way faster than I thought. Even though I had some issues regarding the paper and my lecturers were hard to reach, God still allowed me to finish my paper before the registration deadline of graduation is coming.
That day, I walked my way, way to the office. It was a not-so-big insurance broker office in the middle of the town. As I walked my way, I could be happy and relieved because I finally enlisted on the graduate’s list and at the same time I was hired as an employee.
So far, work as The President Director’s personal assistant maybe sounded so good.
Or not.
“I could feel our personalities are so matching and we even have some similarities, but I think your place is not here. I think I don’t need you anymore. You can definitely go find your way and improve more.” Said my President Director, on a cloudy dusk, February 2020, literally D-1 before my graduation day.
She is right. I could not agree more.
I’m so alike to her. Being so perfectionist, neat, well-organized, open to critique and advice, pet-lover, and so on.
The matter was, I could not follow the workplace’s pace. Besides, for me, it was way too far from my expertise or my major.
I have graduated from English education. Economic thingy? Definitely not my things. I have tried to learn and get used to it, but I can not. I’m so mad at myself and I forced myself to learn, but still, it felt like can not enter my brain. It felt like it was not my passion, not my way.
In fact, I could say that I am weak.
Feel free to judge me. I even judged myself that I am weak at that time. I acknowledged it.
I once told some of my friends that I felt like I totally failed to get used to the workplace. Some sort of daily life story in featured with complaining things, like, “Why did time flies so fast?”, “I can’t believe this.”, “I miss my friends.”, “I think I’d better be a teacher rather than this.” et cetera.
I might just need some sort of comforts, I mean, I actually just want to be comforted and listened to well, but when I told those things to them, they said I was not grateful for what I already had instead of comforting or listening. They said I wasted the opportunity, they said I was complaining too much.
“Do you realize how many people out there seeking a job and want to work like you?! Stop complaining and wake up, don’t waste your time.”
In short, for them, I was not grateful so much, at all.
Like a closed door, I can not give a word again all of a sudden right after they judged me ungrateful. I remain silent. I feel sorry for my friends for being so self-centered and ungrateful — even though I actually did not really feel that way.
My mind drifted away, traced back what I have done and how I felt back then until I finally could conclude that I was not ungrateful. Instead, I feel like I lost everything. I lost myself at that time. My mind consumed by office things, from day to night, from one morning to another morning, come early and back late. I was totally tired. I know every employee would feel like this too, but I don’t know… Either I was too weak or I was not that ready to enter the world of work, still, I feel like lost everything. Watercolor painting and hand-lettering were not as fun as it used to be, the same feeling went to singing, everything. All of my hobbies were not feel right to do. Those things can not make me happy and refresh me anymore. I lost them all.
It was not a work-life balance.
I do not feel alive, at all.
“You sad for being rejected? For being resigned?”
“No, I am not sad but I feel relieved…” I replied, can not hold a bit teardrops.
“It’s okay, that’s life. I feel you, Moza. Go ahead and meet more people. Don’t remain here. Find your way, and… We still can be friends, right?” She hugged me, I felt even more relieved but sorry to her at the same time.
That day, D-1 before my graduation day. I was physically sick, I got fever and flu, and I resigned from my job.
But yeah, this is life and it has to keep going.
I attended the graduation ceremony with a pale face and swollen eyes, plus, I bring some medicine and tissue in my small bag. Who cares though? The important thing is I came to the graduation ceremony. Thank God my friend did a very good job by putting great natural make-up on my face, so I was not looking that bad.
I gave up my job on D-1 before my graduation day.
Something that I could not really imagine, but it happened.
Hang on there, my 2020’s journey has just begun. January-February is just like a welcome drink.
Till we meet again, the second chapter of 2020.
(to be continued)
